At first glance, it’s seems quite a contradiction of character to say that I trust God with my eternal destination, but have trouble handing over basic matters of daily life. I have thought about this a great deal, trying to come to terms with myself. In the end, it has become clear to me that I have no trouble letting go of things over which I have no sense of control but find it very difficult to simply trust God with things that I believe can be maneuvered, manipulated, directed or determined by my own efforts. This means that I am only willing to trust God when I think I need Him. That’s a pretty sad relationship. I am a pretty consciences person; so, upon realization of such a character flaw I should easily make a change. Yet, I find myself facing this problem over and over again. Why is that?
Through careful reflection and meditation, I have come to realize that the desire for control is deeply rooted in my heart. Dealing with the evidence as necessary is akin to pulling the flower off the top of a bloomed dandelion and hoping it won’t come back. Getting rid of this weed in my soul is going to require purposefully digging up the ground; and, given that the soil is me, I expect the process to be quite difficult and painful. I have masked the problem for many years with words like “responsibility”, “stewardship”, “accountability”, “mindful”, “careful” and more of the like. The last couple of years, God has taken down the facade. More and more often I am faced with the fact that even when I think I have a handle on things, I do not. Control is not something to be “had” or “maintained” by mortal man. It is always and forever God who is in control. As I begin to truly realize this, it becomes easier and easier to release every area of my life to Him and walk in light of His love, mercy, justice, grace and holiness.
I am still no where close to who and what God is making me. But, as that transformation occurs and I begin to purposefully lose the control over things I never actually had, I am finding that God really can be trusted. The funny thing about trust is that, as it grows, it get easier. And, ironically, it is in losing myself that I Am found.
Here’s to trust. Here’s to letting go. Here’s to losing control.